The Goodies Logo 'Royal Command'

by Graeme Garden
and Bill Oddie
The Goodies

The Goodies host the latest ‘Royal Variety Show’ live from the London Palladium, but the all the stars on the line-up are so boring that they send the Queen, her family and the rest of the audience to sleep. After the show, Tim looks forward to getting an earldom or an O.B.E. (making him an ‘earlobe’), but the Palace sends an ultimatum instead: either the Goodies put on a spectacular new show, or the Beefeaters will beat them up. In desperation Tim, Bill and Graeme present a performance in which all the stars are subjected to humiliation, torture and death; the show is a success – much to Tim’s disgust. Having appointed Graeme as ‘Master of the Queen’s Own Entertainment’, the Royals go on to take over the whole of television, turning it into an overload of horse-related programming. Graeme proposes a new extravaganza, ‘The Amazing Tumbling Royals’ - on ice - but the royal family end up breaking every bone in their bodies; confined to hospital, they are forced to appoint the Goodies as their stand-ins. With Tim as Queen, Graeme as Princess Anne, Bill as Prince Charles (and not a corgi, as he hoped!) and a ventriloquist dummy Duke of Edinburgh, the Goodies set about creating a new, wholesome, family entertainment show. But then Tim gets delusions of grandeur: he restages the Coronation – enabling him to officially become Queen…

Bill Oddie (Bill), Tim Brooke-Taylor (Tim), Graeme Garden (Graeme), Terry Denton, Ricky Newby and Ernie Goodyear

Produced and Directed by Bob Spiers
Music by Bill Oddie and Dave McRae

TX (BBC 2):
6th December 1977

*Featuring Tim, Bill and Graeme

*Alternative title: 'Royal Command Performance'