'Dear Dave'
by Doug Naylor

Lister is in a state of deep depression from missing the human race; taking Kryten’s suggestion of a change of scenery, he ends up reflecting on life in the company of Snack Dispenser 34. Kryten informs Rimmer that the constant stream of letters he has been writing to JMC recommending himself for a medal of honour have highlighted the fact that he has failed to report for duty for three million years: Rimmer is now being charged for gross dereliction of duty, and has just twenty-four hours to give his rebuttal or he will be demoted to Third Technician! Heading for the Drive Room, Rimmer takes out his frustrations by berating Lister on his current bout of self-pity; the conversation then turns to Lister’s ‘moves’ on women, prompting Lister to flirt with Snack Dispenser 23 – which ends badly when she accuses him of sexual harassment. When the Medi-Bot refuses to sign-off Rimmer without a bribe, Kryten suggests collecting all the unused rolls of toilet paper aboard Red Dwarf to obtain a reimbursement from JMC. Kryten, Rimmer and Lister then receive some “really bad news” from Cat (via the medium of charades): the mail pod has crashed into his clothes line. Sifting through the vast amount of post, Lister is astonished to find a letter from an ex-girlfriend, Hayley Summers, informing him that she is pregnant and that the baby might be his – or that of someone called ‘Roy’, whom she was also seeing at the time. Desperate to find out the result of Hayley’s DNA test, Lister begins a frantic search for a second letter. Meanwhile, Kryten donates the money from the toilet paper collection to the Med-Bot, but the computer still refuses to provide Rimmer with an absence from duty note; learning that Lister has become involved in a love triangle with Snack Dispensers 23 and 34, Rimmer decides to blame his time off work on looking after his insane colleague. Lister apologises to the jealous Vend-a-Bar 34, and agrees to move her out into the corridor; unfortunately in the attempt he manages to fall on top of the machine, and his attempts to get up only further Rimmer and Kryten’s belief that he will hump anything. Unable to find any loo roll, Cat resorts to using some of the letters – one of which is for Lister. Having wrestled the envelope from Cat (who instead uses the report on Lister written by Rimmer), Lister speculates on the contents of the letter, and the family line he could potentially have fathered. He then reads the letter – and learns that Hayley was an absolute slag after all…

Chris Barrie (Arnold J. Rimmer), Craig Charles (Dave Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Isla Ure (Dispensers 23 & 34)

Directed by Doug Naylor

Produced by Richard Naylor
Executive producers Charles Armitage and Doug Naylor

TX: (Dave)
1st November 2012 @ 9:00 pm

*Featuring Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Cat and Kryten

*This episode runs longer than in previous seasons, at forty minutes